Inexoma and a little Patch of Bush- Chapter 1

For Griffy & Prissy; both great muses...

*The term inexoma is a product of coinage. It denotes headache, sheer disinterest or any other frivolous excuse (s)he may have given you as to why (s)he wasn't in the mood for a bang. Enjoy!

Two months in an exclusive relationship with Abigail was more than Kofi had bargained for. Abby, formerly the heartbeat that powered Kofi's existence, was now more or less a canker Kofi desperately wanted to get rid of. It was no surprise that the topic of discussion among the gang at the pub tonight, as were previous nights, was none other than Abigail.

"It was dreadful I tell y'all" Kofi said to the boys. "It's the kind that looks like Edward Scissor-hands was hiding in there ready to cut my dick off!" Everybody laughed. He was talking too loud and the liquor-courage didn't seem to help at all.

"And do you know the worst part?" he asked to no one in particular.

"No, tell us." Charles replied courtesy-wise and leaned back to enjoy the onslaught, for Kofi was somewhat the gang-jester.

"Inexoma! That's right! Bloody cock-sucking inexoma!" he paused to take a swig of beer but ended up with an overstretched buccal mass and beer drooling down his chin. "The darned bitch always had to have inexoma right before we was about to do it." All but Kofi noticed Sam's grip tighten around his root beer.

"Were." Ted corrected.

"Yes! That fucking whore!" Kofi exclaimed. 

"No not 'whore'. Ted meant you ought to say 'were'..." But Sam's conservative correction was drowned by Kofi singing into his beer.

        ...Abby krasinii,

          Today inexoma, tomorrow inexoma?

          Adɛn? W'abɔ dam anaa?

          Wo #$% pafuu, ɛso nwii sɛ Osama abɔdwe...

And with that, the gang was kicked out.

It was time to head home. Clearly the liquor was having its toll on Kofi's judgment and arguably, his sanity. At this stage he was practically a baby and it took the combined strength of Charles and Ted to hoist him onto his feet. He was a drunken waste. Sam just stared at him- somewhat disgusted. Partly because Kofi had embarrassed them all; this was a bar he frequented and he didn't think he'd be able to show his face here again after Kofi's sordid exhibition of sheer crudity. But most of all, he abhorred the drunk because Abigail was his cousin. Clearly he'd been wrong to set them up. He however took solace in the fact that Kofi hadn't slept with her yet. He giggled softly and offered to drive Bluto Blutarski home.

Twenty-four hours earlier...

Time seemed to be hardly moving today. Kofi glanced at his desk-clock yet again. Just a few more hours and he was good to go home. He'd been antsy all morning and tired of the wait by noon. Today was date night and he had something very special planned for Abigail. A super-date that would seal the deal and get Abigail into his bed. Not that sex was the premise of this amorous entanglement for Kofi, but he'd been waiting a long time for this day. He'd been dating Abigail exclusively for a month and a half now and he thought there was no better time for them to take the relationship a step further. At least he thought so.

The snack-lady brought Kofi a burger an hour after noon but he knew better than to open the bag. She always had one crude trick or the other up her sleeve. Over the past months she’d fashioned several pranks on Kofi. One time, she'd placed a tampon dipped in ketchup inside his desk drawer. The poor lad flew into a frenzy when he ran out of staples and tried searching his desk drawer. He'd never forgiven her. But today was a special day for him and not even a tornado was going to ruin tonight for him.

                                                                                           ***

After work he visited the local garage down the road. He needed a car for tonight's date and who better to hook him up than his long-time friend Kojo, the owner of the car rental service. Kojo had resorted to opening his own garage  to kick-start his car dealership when downsizing strategies by government rendered his Economics degree useless after school. Now how's that for putting stock in today's young entrepreneurs with great business acumen? Kofi was not in luck however. All Kojo had left were two estate cars and a coupe and nobody wanted those; especially not a guy planning a super date. So after catching up, he went home and planned to get an Uber instead.

With two more hours to date-night, Kofi was growing restless. Questions raced through his mind. Questions he hadn't thought about and thoughts of not knowing who Abby really was broke his composure for a moment. Now the average reader would easily deduce that per the narrative so far, Kofi's thoughts would be discernibly half-witted. But here is where the reader errs in his presumption for Kofi, although dunce-like, posed to himself questions that were definitive of a first date checklist. What if she was vegetarian? or allergic to diary? Then surely Urban Grill and Smoothy's were not the way to go. Did she have allergies? Would she find him a tad presumptuous and too forward if he carried a condom? What if he leaned in for kiss and she rejected him? Would that be so bad? He thought about all the clutter in his home. Maybe he should've done something about the mess earlier. What if the date did go well and she came back to his place? Would the clutter or his browsing-history ruin chances of him getting some? That would be sorely disconcerting wouldn't it? He rushed over to his desk and opened his computer. A midget in latex suit with limbs bound by pink cuffs seemed to smile at him from the task bar. 'Oh boy!', he thought. He opened his browser: Chrome. History. Clear browsing data. Done. He felt better already. He glanced at his watch.

"There's still time", he muttered and called the cleaning lady to come declutter his man-cave; thence proceeding to the bathroom to shave. This wasn't just any ordinary date. This was to be a super date!

...to be continued.