The Ex-Syndrome- Letting Go (Part 2)

Getting over an ex- now that's a hell of a quandary. Whoever said moving on was easy might never have actually moved on. Moving on and letting go is never easy especially if the relationship ended on a bad note. When it comes to advice and tips on breaking free from the 'spell' of an ex lover, there seem to be a million tips and strategies out there that might actually work- or not. Talk about the all time classics; keeping your distance and hanging with your friends. They do work alright, but they aren't as potent as getting laid. I'm trying to paint a picture here; hopefully, you'll see it.

First things first; I believe in utmost brutality when it comes to getting over your ex. Secondly, there no such thing as a wrong way to get over someone. Like they say, the end justifies the means. I mean love is one crazy battle field- You just cannot afford not being merciless and brute. Think of it in terms of you being that foot soldier who is desperately trying to get to the other side of the battle field. But just when you think you're almost there, s/he drops the bomb- literally: It's over. Now that's one cold cocktail. So please don't even think of getting over that asshole subtly, because this means war! Here are four tried and tested ways to get over your ex.

1. The Bad-Mouth Fest

I'm betting you're looking at your screen like whatever is this guy talking about. Allow me... I'm talking about you using your mouth for a good cause this once- bad-mouth your ex to shreds if you can. It's time to let your friends bad-mouth her. Let them tell you what they think of her K-legs and her backside. Tell them about how you always thought Osama Bin Laden (rest his soul) had used your tub every time your ex was in the bathroom- she left a ton of pubic everywhere. If it helps, make a list of all the annoying things about her/him and read it to your friends over a keg of beer or in the salon so y'all can have a rib-cracking laugh. Oh,and don't forget how bad the sex was.

2. Exercise your 'Franchise'

Now breaking-up or being dumped comes with perks. You just have to see the bright side; you're a free bird now. That means less ex and more 'sex' (prospective hook-ups). So shave and get a new haircut or buy a new dress and wax your man-legs because tonight, your hitting the bar. I mean how difficult is it to get a fling or two? The quickest and most foolproof way to get your ex off your mind is to get someone on your mind. So feel free and be a slut if need be. Sleep around. A guy or two should do the trick. Get yourself a nice rebound to keep you distracted so you wouldn't even have the time to reminisce your ex. It's foolproof.

3. Play Dead

It's essential to avoid any form of contact with with your ex in that period where your'e so desperately trying to get over him/her. Dead men don't talk, do they? Neither can they listen or re-tweet you Twitter. Not calling an ex may prove a rather difficult task since humans are gregarious beings. It's best if you delete the hoe's number though. Keeping in touch with an ex just brings back all the familiar feelings and familiar feelings get you missing them again- that's going to hurt. So please avoid texting or calling them. And be sure to unfriend her on Facebook. You don't want to be around when she puts a new guy on her cover picture.

4. Practice Karate

Who wouldn't love envisioning a wooden board as their ex's face and breaking it?

In retrospect it's safe to say exes were sent into our lives by God-knows-who to make us better people for our next prospective partners. So please hate them passionately, but be sure to love them for all they learn you. That being said, good luck getting over that bitch.

The Ex-Syndrome - Letting Go (Part 1)

This is why we call people exes, I guess- because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. It's too easy to see an X as a cross-out. It's not, because there's no way to cross out something like that. The X is a diagram of two paths.
                                                                                                  - John Green

What in heaven's name is John Green talking about? Many a time after a (usually nasty) breakup up, people just cannot let go of their former partners. They tend to do all the- seemingly right- things to get their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend back. They can't stop calling and visiting their ex and they constantly try to reconcile. This is the Ex-Syndrome. It's quite a pathetic show if you ask me and yes you should ask me- I've been there. My Ex-Syndrome spanned a period of twelve months. That's right! I spent a whole damned year trying to get her to take my sorry ass back. A whole year of possibly hooking up with at least fifty-two hot chicks on a weekly basis! Now you see why the Ex-Syndrome is so pathetic?

The essential question to ask though, was why couldn't  I let go? It's not like she had a golden uterus or something. I mean she was an average looking babe with an okay personality and a really odd laugh that got me every single time, but I wasn't able to let her go till after a year of practically wasting my socio-emotional life. After reading MindBodyGreen ,I realized I wasn't ready to move on because of two reasons. Firstly, in my bid to get over her, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve to completion and secondly, I was stuck in the blame-game. I blamed  her for cheating on me and strangely, I blamed myself for allowing her to.

To every guy (or girl) who has been through the Ex-Syndrome and kept it together, I say kudos because it's such a difficult phase to go through. You might not be grasping the gravity of this so allow me to explain. It almost always begins in similar fashion; The person usually cannot accept the fact that their partner wants a breakup. S/He can't do this because they feel that decision rest solely on them so they try everything possible to re-establish their control over their partner. It begins subtly through phone calls and constant visits and pleading. The sad thing here is, more often than not, the other partner has their mind made up and is trying to move on so this doesn't work. This has to be very frustrating for the individual so he opts for a more persuasive means to get his ex to reconcile with him (ladies please be weary of sex-tapes- just saying, or you could ask Tiffany).  He may threaten her, stalk her and even use physical aggression and violence. Some people even kill their ex's pets just to get the point across. Now that's just psychotic! It's important you recognize the syndrome in its early stages and take precautionary measures.

Letting go can be a very difficult experience, especially if you weren't the party that asked to be separated. Getting over a past lover is even harder. This was the one that got away. The one that had your stomach churning with butterflies. The one that was The One, yet things never worked out. Although getting over him or her might be very difficult, it's far from impossible. Isabel Lopez puts it best in her own words: why don't you pretend the asshole just dropped dead? You can't call or write to a dead man. Put a couple of candles in front of his picture, say a few Hail Mary's, and get it over with.

''Di Man Dem Sugar''

She wakes up feeling fucked. Fucked equals a feeling of intense migraine and vertigo and anterograde amnesia. Like most Sunday mornings, she tries her possible best to sit up but her limbs don't allow her to. They seem to have assumed a life of their own- a rather lifeless and surprisingly dormant life that's very much unlike her. Her vision gradually focuses and blurs, then focuses again. She stares at the fan dangling dangerously from the ceiling and wonders why there's a fan in her room. The last time she checked, her tips couldn't buy one. The migraine kicks in again. For one thing she realizes she's completely naked in a stranger's bed.  
''But whose?'' her battered brain quizzes.Her mind desperately tries to replay the incidents of the previous night to no avail. ''Oh shi...'' the words feebly escape her lips. Her throat hurts.

Slowly, she turns her head and stares at the unshaven Caribbean male lying next to her. She wonders who this stranger might be. She takes in his handsome old face-the texture of his ebony skin and the arch of his brows. Clearly he's much better, in more ways than looks, than the Asian she woke up with the previous week. Her crotch hurts. Her brain seemingly begins to function again. She vaguely remembers entering Verbs with someone...someone tall with a scarf for a belt and a faded pink tweed jacket. Kofi! That asshole. She wonders how much he made this time. Two? Maybe three hundred. The last time he said he got only a hundred dollars from 'selling' her off to a Mongolian bussiness man who was passing through the country for the weekend. That was a lie of course. She had later found a check for two hundred in his trouser pocket. 
''That asshole'', she mumbles under her breath,''He pimped me again!''

The man stirs in his sleep. He yawns and farts and slowly opens his eyes. He looks at her as though she were a little girl lost in time. She stares back. He closes his eyes and opens them again. She's still staring. There's something oddly enticing about the way he looks at her; as though his mechanical stares caress every inch of her body.
''Stop it'', she thinks, ''He's nothing but a client.'' Like all the others she'd had, the conversation with this new client went in similar fashion.
''Ou yuh are dis mawnin? he asks. She barely understands what he's saying so she remains quiet.
''Yuh nuh understand mi? he tries again
''Yes I don't understand you'', she replies and looks away from him to avoid his pungent morning breath.
''Fi mi bad. Lass night was gud doh''
''Okay. Are you going to tip me now?''. She was getting impatient of his small-talk. He wasn't her lover for Christ-sake; just a client. Just that.
''Yes, but mi want one mo ting. Mi want ah quickie.'' he says and gives another mechanical stare.

In her mind she knew she needed to be out of the room. She knew her three-year old boy needed her back at her grandma's. She knew her grandma was counting on her to bring back the money. Their rent was long overdue and they had finished up the last tuber of yam. Amidst her thoughts, he asks again,
''Do yuh want ah quickie or nah?'' She looks intently at this stranger for a moment, and then climbs atop him. He puts his hand behind her head and whispers into her left ear,
''Yuh are di man dem sugar.''

 

Holding the Frisbee- Intro.

"We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity."
                                                                                                      -Megan Fox

If you happen to have read Tyler Perry's ''Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings'', you should have a fair understanding of my post title. Granted it was published in 2007, the book still remains a delightful source of insight to the world of love and life. In a chapter of the book, Tyler Perry talks about ''holding the Frisbee'' and I find the phrase quite an inspiration for today's post. And by the way, by ''Frisbee'' he meant vagina. That's right! Clasp your hands over your cookie-jars ladies!

Virginity; now that's a very controversial topic. Honestly I find it as dicey as my first post on sex. I also find it amusing how the word 'virginity' has been misinterpreted to suite what people find comfortable. Objectively speaking, there's nothing entirely comfortable about virginity. Most people will cringe when asked about it. Look around and you'll find a  lot of virgins living everyday with so much confusion in their heads. It's sad. There's so much ignorance in the system to clear up; so let's begin.

Growing up, I always knew what virginity was in the simplest of terms: NO SEX TILL YOU'RE MARRIED. That's what my mama always screamed. But is it all about desisting from only sex? A lot of people take advantage of this loophole-ridden rendition of what virginity is and engage in alternate forms of sex (talk about anal and oral) and sex-related activities. I think that's plain hypocritical. So to all those sanctimonious Christians who believe in the sanctity of staying a virgin and still go about sucking dick and Frisbees, I say, set your mind straight. I sorry I'm being blunt, but I just have to say it as it is- no sugar-coating this one.

I happen to believe in the sanctity of virgin-hood. I believe everyone should, if it suites them, stay a virgin for the right reasons. A lot of times I hear a lot girls say they want to see an ugly pool of blood on their weeding night. Some girls are just plain scared of sex and that's their reason for wanting to remain virgins. Some guys( not that I've heard any) want to stay virgins because they think they're members are too small. The point I'm trying to make here is, for whatever reason you want to remain a virgin, regardless of how silly or quaint it might sound, let that be your right reason. There's nothing like a wrong reason for staying a virgin.

Madea says every woman should learn to hold the Frisbee. Unless you're some weird nymphomaniac, you should seriously consider closing your thighs. Being able to hold the Frisbee gives you power. It puts you in control of your own life for once. There are so many perks of being able to hold the Frisbee. I leave you with ''8 reasons to remain a virgin for as long as you can'' posted in Allwomenstalk's blog. Enjoy!

Beta Vs Alpha

“Men are emotional creatures. We like to cry, we like to bond with our mates, we enjoy physical tactility. So all these hyper-macho tropes are highly unnatural; it’s the ‘beta’ male that’s the true version of masculinity.”
                                                                        -Professor Eric Anderson    
                                                    
It's quite stereotypical how society crudely categorizes males into two very distinct groups; Alpha males and Beta males; with the Alphas supposedly at the top of the food chain, so to speak. The Alpha male represents the portion of male populace who posses more authority, power and financial means to accentuate them to the top of society's pecking order. Often, Alpha males tend to dominate and intimidate and are typically called 'real men'. The Betas on the other hand are the more submissive and often lowly males who aren't especially attractive to people, particularly those of the feminine variety. Beta males are seen as ever-ready to succumb to domination, even when the domineering entity is a female. Clearly, this crude classification of men puts the Beta male in a tight spot. The real question however, is if the Beta male deserves all this bogus ridicule being thrown at him. Frankly, he doesn't.

The Alpha male ideology basically stems from the animal kingdom. Man over the years has learned through observation, to inculcate into his lifestyle the intimidating and dominating behaviors of male animals that aid in mate-acquisition as well as securing power and control over subordinates. Many view this 'trait' as desirable and attractive but in retrospect, the Alpha male ideology has created a very bland view on what defines male machismo and what women truly find attractive in a man.The Beta male is usually viewed as emotional and sensitive. Thus, the Beta male is seen as conciliatory and synergistic-as opposed to the Alpha male's independence. But can we say that being collaborative is undesirable? Or that the openness and sensitivity of the Beta male is unattractive? That's food for thought.

What then do women find attractive in a man? Is it the bossy nature of a man that portrays him as being in control? Is it how well he exhibits social communication skills? Is it in how competitive he is at sports or how tall and well cut his muscles are? Could it be a man's sensitivity to a woman's needs? Is it how nurturing and attentive he is to her every desire? Or can it be the poetry and lyrics that he recites to her passionately? In my opinion, I say women find traits of the Beta male more attractive in the long run than those of the Alpha male. Here is my reasoning...

Having a man who is well-built, dominating and financially stable may seem like quite the catch to a girl but not to a woman. A woman is matured enough to realize that she needs a lot more than the superficial qualities of a man she views as a potential mate. She realizes that she needs emotional security and deserves a man who is psychologically in sync with her ideals. Thus she will opt for a Beta male because Betas are the Alphas of today. Betas, with all their sensuality and sensitivity clearly are the embodiment of the ideal man every woman would want to settle down with. this is because the Beta male is idealistic. He's content with who he truly is and as such he won't strive to 'prove his worth' through trivial means such as wanting everyone to know the number of zeros in his account or start a steroid diet, I'm
just saying.

The Beta male lets everyone see him for who he is; the kind, nurturing and emotionally reliable mate. I'm not saying money or being physically fit isn't good. I'm just saying the Beta male doesn't 'price' himself by profit or stature. To the Beta, its all about what's inside and women love what's inside.

Dear Constantine...

It's been over two years but somehow the memory of you seems like it was only yesterday's. I'm wondering where you might be and what you'd probably be doing. I am sitting behind my laptop making my second blog entry and I'm hoping you'd stumble across this post- though I seriously doubt you would. I'm also not surprised you never replied my messages on Facebook. I probably deserve it. I'm an ass.

If someone had told me earlier that I have a thing for plus-sized women, I'd probably have dismissed such a comment and called the commenter an irritable fool. But you! You revolutionized my cravings and feelings. It seemed pretty fucked-up back then, but in retrospect, fucked-up was so damn good. So good that I still crave for women of your stature. Sadly none seem capable of being you Constantine. I still crave you.

Our infatuation although short-lived, seemed like a millennium's  romance in this little pouch of dirt they call my heart. Technically we were never a couple. But who had to follow technicalities when all that mattered to us was the oneness of our hearts and the euphoria in our minds. I could almost swear I 'almost' loved you. Not because of your looks; because your looks according to my colleagues, were nothing to fancy; but because I felt connected to you in ways more psychic than physical. Its just sad dysphoria had to set in.

Sometimes I wonder if you had that Bipolar thing going on. I mean some days you'd pamper me as though I was a new-born and before I could say 'fuck', you'd treat my sluggard ass like some ex-convict. It's sad just thinking about it. I'm not laying all the blame on you though. Like I stated earlier, I'm an ass. I think my ego got the best of me. I think.

People say love goes where love is. I say love goes where hate is. We had a love-hate thing going on. It's so crazy how often we had issues. Damn girl you were so complicated I needed a manual to be able to link-up your thoughts and properly discern them! It was almost as if you had your period every fucking day for every day we were 'together'. Now that's fucked up and fucked-up was so damn good at the time. For the record, I pretty much called you a bitch most times. You were my fat bitch and I was so into you, I almost loved you.

Remember how your brothers never liked me? Well I didn't like them either; not even the straight one. But I liked you Constantine. I really did and I still do- I like-hate you. Its a pity things had to end the way they did. Sometimes I just wish I could go back in time just to see the look on your face the very first time we met in person.That was some Marilyn Monroe sexy-ass look you gave me. But the past is past. We're both living out the present, with you probably more into future. I'm just glad a psycho like you was a part of my life, though I can't say you probably feel the same way about me. Hopefully fate will pull us farther apart.

Yours truly,

Me.

SEX- What it is (and isn't)

What is sex? It is crazy how a simple three-letter word like 'sex' can cause so much controversy whenever it is mentioned. I quite remember the very first time my little sister asked me what it was.Yup. In my head i was thinking WT*! I wondered what would prompt a little seven-year old to want to know what sex was. I probably almost yelled 'It's none of your business!'Somehow I felt I wasn't the right person to give her the right answers. I mean I wasn't her mum and I definitely didn't do the 'in and out' thing (or sideways and diagonal things people do nowadays) that produced her. So I simply told her I didn't know what sex was and bolted. I cannot say I'm proud of how I handled the situation but I was quite ignorant about sex myself. I knew what sex was of course. I just didn't know how to answer her question. Back then, sex was too dicey a topic to talk about. Fortunately times have changed and the issue of sex is now less controversial in our Ghanaian society. So let's talk sex!

What exactly is sex? It is a little difficult to say what it is exactly considering all the new variances of sex which seem to be springing up out of nowhere- nowhere being the western world. You could talk about oral or anal or outer-course and it would all be branded as the same thing-SEX. The proper question to ask therefore is ''What counts as sex?" To the best of my knowledge sex involves two people (or 3 or 4...) giving each other sexual pleasure resulting in one or both partners experiencing an orgasm. Since sex is such an intimate act, it is usually (and should be) practiced between two consenting individuals [of sound mind]. You really don't want to wake up and find yourself in bed with a psychopath who wants to eat you for breakfast! That's some Black Widow shit.

Sex is everywhere. In the air, on land, underwater, maybe in space I think (I'm wondering if there were any women aboard the Apollo 11 with Neil). People have sex basically everywhere they can; movies, prisons, elevators, in the Accra Mall washrooms and parking lots, swimming pools, boats-everywhere they can! I remember asking my Life-skills (In Ghana we do Life-skills not Sex Ed.) teacher why people had sex. All she told was that sex was for procreation. But that's not the only reason why people bang. When two people love each other, they have sex (or made love) to express how they feel about each other. Although both reasons are true, they aren't exactly the most potent of reasons. Trust me I learned the 'sweet' way. The real reason why there is so much fuckery going on is because sex is the greatest feeling that simultaneously stimulates your senses in the most pleasurable ways. I'm not saying 'Hey y'all, get up and start fucking each other 'cos sex is the bomb.' I'm just saying what sex is. And besides, sex entails more than physical contact and insertion of a penis into a vagina. It involves a whole lot; the feeling of oneness with  your partner as well as the emotional and psychological connection with him or her.

Talking about the various controversies surrounding sex, a lot of people associate their problems to it; granted they may be having too little or too much sex. I know sex to be a lot of things but definitely not the problem. Sex isn't keeping you from scoring an 'A' in Maths or getting you late to work in the morning- It may seem like it's because of sex but it really isn't. Sex doesn't make your cooking taste like a mixture of cheese and ketchup or make you smell like crap. Sex didn't give you a flat tire (or did it?) or a computer virus ( porn probably did). Most problems you face, you face because of your own actions. You probably wouldn't have had that flat tire if you hadn't banged your 180kg partner in your car, right? Sex didn't cause the flat tire, your decision to bang her (or him) in your car instead of a bed caused it. I'm just saying.

Sex is great. Sex feels good when done at the right time. It pays to wait. But if you can't, ah well...Just remember sex is a big deal and you wouldn't want to rush into it if you aren't ready for it. So evaluate yourself and organize your priorities. Does sex fall into your short term goals? Or you'd rather wait and enjoy it at a time when you're physically, emotionally and psychologically mature to indulge in it? The ball is in your court. Choose wisely!


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